Examples

I grow weary of a certain example of how not to live.

By what sensibility should one call oneself a Christian and go to church to console oneself about lack of control, to learn to live sensibly and to gain entry through heaven's gates? As if church were some pity party where people who are hard on their luck go, as if it were some kind of after-life insurance policy. As if this life were some kind of ticket booth where we get in line to buy tickets for heaven by going to church.

It doesn't make any sense at all.
One should go to church because one is Christian and one believes in God.
It's not supposed to be a social gathering, even if it looks, smells, sounds, feels and tastes like one.

But I am not Christian, so what the hell do I know.

He tells me that people who don't go to church will go to hell.

Well, that may be true, but I think there's a worse hell for people who pretend to go to church in order to buy heaven insurance.

On the other side, I have found a near stranger who's life is a better example.

Who has worked in many countries, and quit his high-paying job on moral grounds. Who has accepted positions in France and Germany on the condition that "my wife gets a job too". Who has played in social soccer clubs, bred dogs, and raised plants, lived on a farm, and now lives in a waterfront apartment. Who has been offered a "boy's vacation" but brings his wife because "it wouldn't be any fun without my best friend". Who has decided to work again because "I thought it was probably about time I left the house". Who looks like he has fun every day.

On Normality And Living Quietly - And Why It Shouldn't Be Attempted At All

I'm sure its quite clear, from my purple (and blonde-streaked) hair and taste in music and clothes and my interests and my tendency to do things on an impulse, that I am not quite normal.

But only in that I'm a straight-A over-achieving asian business student.
With purple (and blonde-streaked) hair.
And not-normal tastes in music and clothes and interests.
Who's impulsive.

I'm not quite the stereotypical teenager who parties and drinks.
I'm not quite the rebelling teenager who has safety pins in their ears.
And I'm not quite the asian kid either.

The thing is, for the most part of my life, my dad has been trying to get me to conform to this idea of normality. Just yesterday, he came and told me that I shouldn't have dyed my hair blonde (funny he never noticed when it was purple).
"You should live quietly, don't stand out and be a target. Live peacefully and without drawing attention, don't dress strangely and just do what you are supposed to."

There's something so disturbingly wrong about that advice.
Not only is it just ludicrous, almost telling your child not to excel in any way - just to live quietly.
What does that even mean?

I'm hoping he doesn't mean a cute little quiet bambi-esque tottering fool of a stereotypical asian girl who posts a bajillion pictures of desserts and themselves on facebook, gets good grades, has a boringly unexciting part time job until they graduate from their degree as fast as possible (with no exchanges, honors or worthwhile experiences). After which they'll work at a bank or mid-sized accounting firm until they find a nice asian boy who will marry her and look after her while she stays home and has children and looks after the children.

However, I have irrefutable proof that at the very least, he means a docile asian girl who gets good grades and etc etc etc.

I don't really know what the best way to respond to this is.
I mean, there are so many glaringly obvious stupid things in what he wants.
And I'll leave docile to the end.

• Get good grades
• I get good grades because I have pride in my actions and myself as a person, not because it's something that I should do. If I'm going to do it, I'm going to do it well - no half measures. You should get good grades because you want them, not because it's something you ought to do. Similarly, you should do things because you want to, not because you ought to.

• Have a boringly unexciting part time job
• I do have a part-time job. I work in a mid-high end jewellery shop on the main street next to Louis Vuitton and Gucci. That is not a boringly unexciting part time job. When I was 18 or so, he started nagging me to get a job. He suggested McDonalds and Foodtown, even local takeaways. And when I refused, he told me I was stubborn and that I should take any opportunities I had. Two weeks or so later, I broke a chain and ended up with this job. I made my own opportunities. Don't settle. Make your own opportunities.

• Graduate from a degree as fast as possible (with no exchanges, honors or worthwhile experiences)
• He doesn't know this, but I'm doing a conjoint degree with four majors. I'm hopefully going on a one-month exchange to Tokyo University in summer, and after that, a one year exchange to Keio University. And even with all of this, I will graduate at the same time as my peers because I take 5 papers a semester and I do summer school. I have made new friends and I have made old friends again. I have had revelations, admirations, epiphanies (and epiphones!) and I have worked my ass off for all of it. Do as much as you can.

• Work at a bank or mid-sized accounting firm:
• Fuck it. Every time I hear a person say that they've worked the same job for more than 4 years, some part of me shudders with horror. They don't love it. They spend their lives doing it. And much more often than not, it's for the benefit of someone else - a corporation, a boss, a manager. I want to work for myself - not in a self-owned business way, but in a "fulfilling my dreams" kind of way. What if we never have another chance at this? What if this one life is all you have? I refuse to spend it in any way other than exactly how I want.

• Find a nice asian boy 
• How about find someone who is engaging and honest? Someone whos' company makes you happy and whos' jokes makes you smile? He doesn't have to be cookie-cutter nice. I don't care if he has tattoos or long hair or is a total dead-beat artist on the street - as long as he is a genuinely decent person who has a nice personality, and tries to look after you, that's more than enough. And no, I don't care if he is asian. And nor should you.

• Get married and be looked after, stay home, have children and look after them.
• This is just stupid, and sadly not in the least exaggerated. What century do you live in? I don't mind getting married, or being looked after - but come on. Marriage is not the only thing that girls aim for. When we get married, it doesn't mean that we are suddenly completely content with everything. Marriage changes nothing in terms of aspirations - at least for me. And even if I had children, I will have insatiable goals my entire life. 

And finally, being docile, being unexceptional, living quietly.

I'm afraid the greatest counter-argument to this is possibly an ad-hominem. I do not want to be unexceptional because you are unexceptional. You have nothing to live for and you pass your days in quiet acceptance that somewhere along the way, your dreams collapsed like a house of cards and it's too late to rebuild it all again.

But I like standing out. I like being myself. I like it when my middle-aged japanese teacher (who comes from a country where the unspoken motto is "the nail that sticks up will get hammered down") tells me that she likes my hair and asks if I do it myself.

I am not ashamed of myself. I am not afraid to stand out. If anyone truly judges me for what I look like or how I dress, then they are not worth  meeting - and yet, if we are given the chance to meet. I am sure that I can change their opinion of me. I have nothing to hide. I am unashamedly myself, and it is unbelievably sad if you cannot say the same.

Where are your dreams? Where are your ambitions?
I will not give up on what I believe in. And I will never stop trying, never stop encouraging everyone around me to try, please try, to be exactly who you want to be.

And if, by some chance, my purple hair and eccentric tastes can encourage others to live LOUDLY and without any HESITATION, then that is worth more to me than any approval you could ever give me.

So no, I will not dye my hair black.
I will not live quietly.
I will stand out and be a target.
I will not live peacefully.
I will draw attention.
I will dress however the hell I want.
And I will do whatever the fuck I want - whether I am supposed to or not.

Make My Own and Pull It Off

I shall be as cryptic as I like, thanks very much.

And I've decided that one day soon, I'm going to be magnificent.
<3

Top two pictures: Asos.com (free international shipping lol)

Bottom picture: thesartorialist.com

What I Live For

Months and months ago, my mother asked me what were my five most important things in life. She told me hers, and it went something along the lines of wealth, family, happiness, health and something else, in no particular order.

At the time, I couldn't think of anything. Mostly because I was going through a sort of depressive period, and nothing was really getting through to me at all.

But now that I'm 19 (yes, I will get around to posting the countdown, I haven't forgotten about it!), I've grown up a lot since then, and I've learned a lot about myself and how I want to live my life, what I want to think and what's really important to me.

So here is my top five most important things/ways of thinking/I'm not even sure what to call them:

1. Aspirations. Insatiable goals, impossible affections. – to strive towards dreams, have motivation and work for a purpose, live passionately.
2. Freedom to happiness. Without restraints or regrets. – to live without having regrets, without fear and with the resources to do what i want
3. Conviction. Belief and hope. – to believe that there are better things to come, life is wonderful and everything will work out.
4. Strength. 自信 and actions. – to have confidence that I can do anything, and have confidence in my abilities.
5. Productivity. Create and inspire – to have a positive impact on the world, on others and to create things with my own hands.

There you go! As for my update:

• It's the second week of semester and I'm a week behind in two classes already. But I think it's worth it, even if I have to cram 30 hours in two days later. I'd rather grow old with great memories of hanging out with friends and having fun than a perfect gpa. (That being said, I still get straight As (literally), so I'm not saying not to study - I do. I just don't go to the actual class [there are recordings])
• I spend the majority of my time in the printing office in the Uni library - don't worry, it's not weird or anything lol, my friend works there. So I help out with the binding and stuff. Sadly, most of my other friends are really busy this semester, working, or not even showing up. One of them even dropped out. But everyone has their own path, I'll be fine.
• I'm content. Really, there's nothing else to say. I have food in the fridge, a place to live, friends that like me, interests that consume me, work that motivates me and dreams that give me hope. There's not much else I can ask for.

New Years Eve 11:44pm 2010

Two years ago, I wished for happiness, last year I wished for no regrets. For the coming year, I want to improve. I want to become someone I am happy with. I want to improve everything.

I still procrastinate, I still feel sad. But slowly I hope to succeed beyond these traits.

I will do as much as I can, because that is all I can do.

Right now, I am tired and it is hard to think. Because this year was really wonderful (mosty), perhaps I am still clinging to it.

Next year, I want to turn around and say "I did well this year", and "I am satisfied with what I've accomplished".

Last year, I said I would no onger let life's opportunities pass me by, that I wanted to do something with my life. I said "Don't hesitate and Go, you only have one life, so live every day with no regrets."

Looking back, I am proud of what I have accomplished, of what I have learned, of who I have turned into. I studied well, I fell, it hurt, I got to work and I made some money. But above all, I made good memories.
Beautiful memories.

This year will be the next step:

DON'T HESITATE AND GO FORWARD.

Because each small step means no regrets, and improvement and becoming something better than what I am.

["don't hesitate and go" borrowed from Miyavi]