A Determined Soul

Everything considered, a determined soul will always manage.

Albert Camus.

A Fake Memory

A fake memory that only you believe in.

A wish that you make come true - even though it's just a little white lie you tell yourself.

That with this, you're a little closer to your dreams (whispers: not really).

A burning live house, throbbing bass.
Waves of energy rolling from the seats.
I gaze at a benign god.
He gazes at me.
We don't need words.
This time, I can breathe.

On Normality And Living Quietly - And Why It Shouldn't Be Attempted At All

I'm sure its quite clear, from my purple (and blonde-streaked) hair and taste in music and clothes and my interests and my tendency to do things on an impulse, that I am not quite normal.

But only in that I'm a straight-A over-achieving asian business student.
With purple (and blonde-streaked) hair.
And not-normal tastes in music and clothes and interests.
Who's impulsive.

I'm not quite the stereotypical teenager who parties and drinks.
I'm not quite the rebelling teenager who has safety pins in their ears.
And I'm not quite the asian kid either.

The thing is, for the most part of my life, my dad has been trying to get me to conform to this idea of normality. Just yesterday, he came and told me that I shouldn't have dyed my hair blonde (funny he never noticed when it was purple).
"You should live quietly, don't stand out and be a target. Live peacefully and without drawing attention, don't dress strangely and just do what you are supposed to."

There's something so disturbingly wrong about that advice.
Not only is it just ludicrous, almost telling your child not to excel in any way - just to live quietly.
What does that even mean?

I'm hoping he doesn't mean a cute little quiet bambi-esque tottering fool of a stereotypical asian girl who posts a bajillion pictures of desserts and themselves on facebook, gets good grades, has a boringly unexciting part time job until they graduate from their degree as fast as possible (with no exchanges, honors or worthwhile experiences). After which they'll work at a bank or mid-sized accounting firm until they find a nice asian boy who will marry her and look after her while she stays home and has children and looks after the children.

However, I have irrefutable proof that at the very least, he means a docile asian girl who gets good grades and etc etc etc.

I don't really know what the best way to respond to this is.
I mean, there are so many glaringly obvious stupid things in what he wants.
And I'll leave docile to the end.

• Get good grades
• I get good grades because I have pride in my actions and myself as a person, not because it's something that I should do. If I'm going to do it, I'm going to do it well - no half measures. You should get good grades because you want them, not because it's something you ought to do. Similarly, you should do things because you want to, not because you ought to.

• Have a boringly unexciting part time job
• I do have a part-time job. I work in a mid-high end jewellery shop on the main street next to Louis Vuitton and Gucci. That is not a boringly unexciting part time job. When I was 18 or so, he started nagging me to get a job. He suggested McDonalds and Foodtown, even local takeaways. And when I refused, he told me I was stubborn and that I should take any opportunities I had. Two weeks or so later, I broke a chain and ended up with this job. I made my own opportunities. Don't settle. Make your own opportunities.

• Graduate from a degree as fast as possible (with no exchanges, honors or worthwhile experiences)
• He doesn't know this, but I'm doing a conjoint degree with four majors. I'm hopefully going on a one-month exchange to Tokyo University in summer, and after that, a one year exchange to Keio University. And even with all of this, I will graduate at the same time as my peers because I take 5 papers a semester and I do summer school. I have made new friends and I have made old friends again. I have had revelations, admirations, epiphanies (and epiphones!) and I have worked my ass off for all of it. Do as much as you can.

• Work at a bank or mid-sized accounting firm:
• Fuck it. Every time I hear a person say that they've worked the same job for more than 4 years, some part of me shudders with horror. They don't love it. They spend their lives doing it. And much more often than not, it's for the benefit of someone else - a corporation, a boss, a manager. I want to work for myself - not in a self-owned business way, but in a "fulfilling my dreams" kind of way. What if we never have another chance at this? What if this one life is all you have? I refuse to spend it in any way other than exactly how I want.

• Find a nice asian boy 
• How about find someone who is engaging and honest? Someone whos' company makes you happy and whos' jokes makes you smile? He doesn't have to be cookie-cutter nice. I don't care if he has tattoos or long hair or is a total dead-beat artist on the street - as long as he is a genuinely decent person who has a nice personality, and tries to look after you, that's more than enough. And no, I don't care if he is asian. And nor should you.

• Get married and be looked after, stay home, have children and look after them.
• This is just stupid, and sadly not in the least exaggerated. What century do you live in? I don't mind getting married, or being looked after - but come on. Marriage is not the only thing that girls aim for. When we get married, it doesn't mean that we are suddenly completely content with everything. Marriage changes nothing in terms of aspirations - at least for me. And even if I had children, I will have insatiable goals my entire life. 

And finally, being docile, being unexceptional, living quietly.

I'm afraid the greatest counter-argument to this is possibly an ad-hominem. I do not want to be unexceptional because you are unexceptional. You have nothing to live for and you pass your days in quiet acceptance that somewhere along the way, your dreams collapsed like a house of cards and it's too late to rebuild it all again.

But I like standing out. I like being myself. I like it when my middle-aged japanese teacher (who comes from a country where the unspoken motto is "the nail that sticks up will get hammered down") tells me that she likes my hair and asks if I do it myself.

I am not ashamed of myself. I am not afraid to stand out. If anyone truly judges me for what I look like or how I dress, then they are not worth  meeting - and yet, if we are given the chance to meet. I am sure that I can change their opinion of me. I have nothing to hide. I am unashamedly myself, and it is unbelievably sad if you cannot say the same.

Where are your dreams? Where are your ambitions?
I will not give up on what I believe in. And I will never stop trying, never stop encouraging everyone around me to try, please try, to be exactly who you want to be.

And if, by some chance, my purple hair and eccentric tastes can encourage others to live LOUDLY and without any HESITATION, then that is worth more to me than any approval you could ever give me.

So no, I will not dye my hair black.
I will not live quietly.
I will stand out and be a target.
I will not live peacefully.
I will draw attention.
I will dress however the hell I want.
And I will do whatever the fuck I want - whether I am supposed to or not.

[Day -14] Monday 11th July: It's Not Worth The Heartache

Take a step back.

I dyed my hair again today. It was a very productive day.

I turned the entire bathroom purple.

Picture: Ryutaro Arimura

Plastic Tree - Zero Photobook



[Day -15] Sunday 10th July: So Fuck It

But a part of me can't help but feel that I'm on the right road, and I'm taking the right steps. I know where I'm going.

Insatiable goals, impossible affections.

Picture: Ryutaro Arimura

Plastic Tree

[Day -16] Saturday 9th July: Idea

It occured to me (while further damaging my now-purple hair), that it's the journey that counts.
Why is it that cliched phrases never hold any sense to me until I discover them myself?

Photo: Ryutarou Arimura

Plastic Tree - Ammonite Live House Tour photobook.

Resonating Ideas.

• The marathon runner who watches his competition will inevitably run into a tree.
• The stick which flows with the current is swifter.
• See everything from the other person's perspective.
• Shape yourself by becoming who you picture yourself to be.
• Only some people can pull it off. You are one of them.
• You are only young once. Do not have regrets.
• If you do not do it, you will regret it.
• If you keep trying, day by day you will improve and one day become something great.
• Do a little bit more today than yesterday.
• This is how I want to live in this lifetime.
• I believe.

[Day -17] Friday 8th July: Resonance

In order to record my 19th year (as in, the year in which I am the age of 19), I plan to write something every day, until the 24th of July 2012. However, considering that it is not yet the 24th, I'm going to start with a negative countdown. (And if the countdown is screwed up, I did it on purpose that way, so keep your silence!)

Begin!

I want an idea that resonates in my very soul.

Picture: Ryutaro Arimura
Plastic Tree
Boukyaku Monologue Photobook.

[Day -18] Thursday 7th July: From That Day I Stayed At Home And Watched TV All Day

This is your strength.

(and yes, I am a little bit ashamed of spending all day watching TV)

Picture: Antm Season 15 (Ann Ward) - Patrick Demarchelier

With "Want" and "Wish" In Their Eyes

When all your problems seem insurmountable and you're facing a giant wall of "why me" and self-pity,

There's someone else out there who would give almost anything to be you.

Might be the girl in your math class who's failing, might be the guy on that bus who's parents won't let him back home.

Might be the teacher who's lost his youth somewhere along the way, or the old lady on the street who has to go home to an empty house.

To them, maybe you stand on a platform higher than they, and they watch you with "want" and "wish" in their eyes.

Doesn't that put things into perspective?

Ask Me Seriously

Sometimes I wish time would stop because it's hard to realise that this moment is going to end and so will the next and the next and there is no forever.

Uruha - The GazettE

To Create Good Memories...

I want to do something special for my birthday this year.

I'll have a few weeks break around June - July, and my birthday is the weekend of the first week back at uni.
I'm thinking of going overseas. But I'm not sure what to do...

1. Dreamworld, waterfront hotels and smoking on beaches at night in Australia.
2. Working, saving, ESPs and poetic justice with PS Company Tour 2011 in Japan. (mid-July)
3. Midnight flights after exams, long-admired basses and Plastic Tree Summer Tour 2011 in Japan. (22 June)
4. Reliving things, shopping and awkward situations in China.
5. Redoing things properly, family and Chinatown in SF/LA in California.
6. New things, photography and cabs in New York.
7. Squandering time and money, meeting friends and smoking on beaches at night in Wellington, NZ.
8. Wasting money, "living it up while you can" and spinning statues in Auckland, NZ.

Or... no travelling??

1. Hotel room with all-night-long-movie-marathon and room service in the morning with friends.
2. Drinking and clubbing and losing my mind.
3. Practicing music until my fingers bleed and I can't feel these bones anymore.

I Got My Epiphone

I got my Epiphone.
And a practice amp. And a hard case. And a stand. And the leads. And a tuner. And half a dozen straps. And picks.

I also swapped out the brass/yellow coloured knobs for black/silver ones.

It's stunning. Ridiculously heavy (or I just lack upper body strength), but stunning.
Even though my room is a shoebox, the hardcase is now behind my acoustic (in its case), and the Dot is on its stand (even though this means I can barely manoeuvre). It's the first thing I see when I enter my room.

Some friends and I drove to another part of our city to pick it up. It only took about 20 minutes to get there, I was surprised.
I made them listen to Nausea & Shudder and Local God by Everclear along the way.

The store was a lot smaller than the one I'm used to going to. I decided to go to this store because they already had the dot in store and I thought the road trip was a fun idea.
Also, I'm not sure why, but they gave me a better price than any of the other stores I called - even though the other stores are owned and managed by the same people. 

Either way, I'm satisfied, even though my fingers are burning from over-practise.

Dances With Mops In Library Carparks

Our breaths fog the windows of this little red car.
As always, there is licorice and ginger beer, pretzels and cake. Come tomorrow, we'll still find crumbs in our pockets, in the seat, on the roof, in our hair.

It's winter now, and although it's never white where we are, it's ok because we're never warm enough anyway. That's why the heater is on full blast.

We'll play bad dance music on our Ipods - lamenting the loss of the CD player - and reminisce about how we used to dance at night in summer, I would watch, and you would dance with the mops and brooms.

We don't really discuss anything worthwhile. I amuse myself with drawing on the window while you bitch about someone at work. "Yeah, that guy, I hate him too", I agree.

"We're having kinky sex, wish you were here?"
When did I start becoming so perverted?

We never really accomplish anything. At some point, we'll drive to your house, and we'll sit in your living room - at the table that's been there since you were born - and we'll drink tea and eat cake.
Or rather, you'll eat cake, because you know how I can't stomach sugar and you take it away from me before I can eat it anyway.

I'll flip idly through a magazine about something and nothing in particular while your voices drift over my head, and I'll catch pieces of another conversation.
Sometimes I feel like I should join in, but I know you don't mind when I space out.

Someone always starts talking about how they miss summer nights, when we would sit outside and watch fireworks and make a bonfire. A really puny bonfire, I think.
"I like winter more," I add.
"I know you do," you'll say.

Sometimes I'll join in too, and we'll laugh ourselves silly. Anyone else would stare at us, wild gestures and expressions. They wouldn't understand that you have different faces, and these hand gestures are because I've painted my nails with stars. Face 1 is scorn. Face 2 is disapproval. Face 3 is when you laugh like you'll explode.

Sometimes I will sink into a quiet silence. I'll pick at books that are strewn about, or pick at a piece of cake I can't eat. You always take pity on me and make me toast.
Conversation never wavers, even though I drop in and out. It's like we adjust to make room for each other's habits. Habits that we know so well they might as well be our own.

So when you start waving your hands about, I know you're getting frustrated and I'll change the topic.
And when you start flicking your hair with irritation like that, I know you want to go and do something.
And when you start tapping at the table, I know you're probably thinking about someone.

I wonder what habits I have? If I asked you, you probably won't be able to tell me.
But when I look, I notice that there's always something salty in the shopping basket (we spend too much time in Foodtown), you always look at me funny when I say I'm fine and you always say my favourite line:

"That's just who you are."

These are the things I want to remember us by.